Martha's Last Idea

Martha's Last Idea

Constructing mobiles
from other people's dispair
Martha's deathbed gem

I imagine that when Martha Stewart is on her deathbed, she will pull one last winning craft idea out of her hat. It's a good thing.

What I Saw on the Way to and from Work

What I Saw on the Way to and from Work

Twinsy longshoremen
A hooded lady Ewok
Large man, little bike

This is all true. I saw two guys in a truck, both with beards and knit caps. I had to squint to make sure I wasn't seeing double. Then I saw the lady Ewok waiting to cross the street; she was the tiniest thing I had ever seen and her coat with hood engulfed her. On the way home I saw the large man on the little bike. It was pouring outside and the cars and wind were whipping sheets of water at this poor guy struggling to ride a bike that was obviously too small for him. Plus it was pink. Pink always hinders bicycle-riding abilities when you are a man. Unless you are Liberace. And your bike has a built-in piano. Now that's something I'd like to see on the way to work.

If the Hive Mind was Fashion Conscious

If the Hive Mind was Fashion Conscious

The Borg wore Jellies
Resistance is fabulous!
Assimilicious

I wish I could take credit for this, but old Anonymous is kicking my ass in the haiku department. I can't even claim assimilicious, even though I rival the Germans when making up new words by clonking two together. Well, I guess they append words to one another. Like, fledermaus. You know what that is? Fleder + maus = Flying mouse, better know as a bat. What would they have called the Borg had they come up with the idea? Probably something like hive-minded-cybernetic-human-with-coercive-symbiotic-assimilation-tactics. Only in German. I've said too much.

The State of Sandra

The State of Sandra

"Me, live in the South?
Not if they gave me a state."
She was serious

I was talking with my mom on the phone the other night and somehow we got onto the topic of what states we would live in. The whole Eastern Seaboard? Out. The Midwest? Screw that place. And the South? Well you can see what my mom had to say about that. For now, Oregon is just fine with me. But I have dreams of Colorado.

Don't Talk to Strangers

Don't Talk to Strangers

Never trust a guy
wearing a gory blood smock
Leatherface, maybe

Once again I pilfer from my coworker's coffers, a different coworker than Anonymous though. I am going to have to figure out code names for all of these people. But this came from a discussion about me having a Pandora station that included the music from the movie Psycho. Then the coworker asked, "Next up, the dulcet tones of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre soundtrack?" Yes, of course, what else would I listen to but the delightsome sounds of a portable power saw wielded by a murderous freak in a leather mask? People know me so well.

What Jo-Jo Came Up with for Today's Haiku

What Jo-Jo Came Up with for Today's Haiku

One-handed push ups?

That came out of left field
or right, depending

This came from a discussion with Anonymous, the coworker who wrote and gave me permission to post Yo, Yoda. I had absolutely nothing in the hopper for today, and I asked him if he had any ideas. First he said "What about Julia Roberts?" whom as we all know was trashed in yesterday's poem. Then he came up with one-handed push ups. Then he wrote the haiku and said, "Don't ever say I never did anything for you." Thank you so much Anonymous. Come to think of it, I haven't seen this coworker in quite a while; he works in another building and we only IM from time to time. I suppose I could actually be talking to some morbidly obese black woman named Jo-Jo that's hacked Anonymous's account, rather than some skinny super-tall white guy with a beard. Hmm, Jo-Jo, yes, I like that idea. Thank you so much Jo-Jo.

The Grudge

The Grudge

Ellen Burstyn robbed!
of her golden statue due
prostitue to blame

Those who know me know I can hold a grudge. For years. Twelve years ago Ellen Burstyn was up for an Oscar for her brilliant work in the movie Requiem for a Dream. She was up against Julia Roberts in the movie Erin Brockovich. The pretty woman/dirty whore won. I am still mad about it.

Souping Cough

Souping Cough

She hacked up a lung
while holding the can of soup
then left it for me

Today I watched a woman in a grocery store pull out  a can of soup from the display, cough her guts out on it, and then put it back. Dear Jesus Lord God in heaven, is this what people do? They infect others by doing these unthinkable things? It's a wonder I am not dead from other's unsanitary hygiene practices. Gross. I am so grossed out.

Hard Time

Hard Time

My kitten, in jail
A time out while windows in
You plot my demise

I had to board my cat while the new windows are being put into my apartment building. He was completely freaking out; by the time I got him into the carrier he was literally ramming his little kitten face into the carrier door, trying to get away from the noise and the foul-mouthed worker dudes that were in the courtyard. So now he’s down the street at my vet’s, chilling out in the little kennel, plotting the best way to rip my face off when I bring him home. Aw, such a cute widdle baby.

The Ticket

The Ticket

A ten dollar dream

tucked into the recycling

My hope repurposed

This is really too bad because I could use a break right about now.

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friend,

then let's keep dancing...

Crazy how these lyrics are haiku-ish. And continuing to dance is a nice thought, considering the alternative. Which is falling down in front of everybody at the dance. While holding a hotdog with mustard on it and it gets all over your Gunne Sax dress that is definitely too small for you so you can barely breathe. And you hair is super short and coarse and sticks out all over and you wish you didn't have braces. Some of this is true. Some of it is not. It is up to you to decide which is which.

Blair Witch Bus Stop

Blair Witch Bus Stop

Girl facing corner
of the plexiglass shelter
freaked me the fuck out

On my way home last night I saw a girl in a bus stop shelter, just standing there by herself with her face in the corner, like the guy in last few moments of The Blair Witch Project. What the hell? Why do I see these things? What was she doing? Why did I see her only in that moment, and not the one right before when she decided to look painfully closely at a spider in the intersection of the bus stop frame, or the moment right afterward when she moved away? Because then I wouldn't have a haiku, that's why. And my apologies for using the "F" word, but alliteration always wins.

Arby's

Arby's

Arby's is like Rush
You want it every day, or
blown off the planet

Why do people either absolutely love or absolutely hate Arby's? What's that all about? Personally, I like Arby's. But I HATE Rush. Which is why I don't think it's so terrible to say I want them blown off the planet or burning in a trash pile. Tom Sawyer can suck it.

CG Sorrow

CG Sorrow

When Transformers die
computer generated
sorrow takes my hand

Why is it that computer generated robots dying and animated fish that are lost can make me cry? Seriously, I can't see these kinds of movies with other people because I get sad and tear up at their unreal plights. What about E.T. you ask, the super cute animatronic alien? I've seen that movie exactly TWICE in my life and let me tell you, that will remain the number until I die. Stupid alien far from home, ripped away from his little boy pal and then almost dying in that field. I hate E.T.

All the King's Horses

All the King's Horses

Horses have no hands,
but can be measured in them
Not good for detail

One of many reasons you've never seen a horse building a model airplane or putting together a broken egg man—hooves are just not good for detail.

The Herpetological Implications of Danny Glover's Teeth

The Herpetological Implications of Danny Glover's Teeth

Sibilant snake talk
Your teeth have lost their anchor
What happened Murtaugh?

Has anyone else noticed that Danny Glover now has a speech impediment, whereas he didn't have one before? I first noticed it in The Shooter, a horrible horrible movie with Mark Wahlberg. It seemed like Mr. Glover was wearing some of those invisible braces and refused to take them out while he was shooting the movie, but now I see him in a new show on Fox called Touch, and it's the same thing. What the hell happened? Did he get ill-fitting dentures? Did he chew on some gravel? Have a stroke? I think if we all pitched in a dollar, we could get Mr. Glover some new and better-fitting choppers. If however the issue is stroke-related, well, then, right on Mr. Glover. Keep on truckin'.

Dirty Hot Swede

Dirty Hot Swede

Skinny, nasty hot
Bet one-sixty soaking wet
Let me buy you food

Have you ever watched The Killing? It's a dark and gritty little serial about the murder of a teenager in Seattle, and I like it. One of the main characters is a detective played by Joel Kinnaman, and this guy is dirty Swedish hot. He's tall and skinny and just plain, well, durty. He has an amazing voice too, that gravelly, smokey voice like brown sugar and honey and gin. Well, that sounds disgusting all in the same sentence, but this guy and his voice are delicious. All he needs is a sandwich or two and he would be good to go. Oh, and I need to feed him the sandwiches. Oh, and he should only be wearing his boxers when I feed him.

Paula Deen, Mr. Potato Head and Donald Pleasence

Paula Deen, Mr. Potato Head and Donald Pleasence

Starting out Russet
Paula adds items until
Pleasence disappears

So this came from a discussion with a coworker about how Paula Deen's teeth look fake, but at the same time very believable. I said maybe she has one of those flippers, you know the snap-in upper teeth that little girls in beauty pageants use. Then the coworker said, "I imagine her whole look is akin to a Mr. Potato Head. She starts out looking like Donald Pleasence in the morning." I laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I laughed some more. I think the fact that Paula Deen starts out looking like Donald Pleasence in the morning and has to add plastic pieces until his countenance disappears is one of the best thoughts ever.

The Calculation

The Calculation

I calculated
how much you no longer care
Not one iota

This is not directed at any one person, but more than one person. But it's not about you at all.

Speed

Speed

Stabbing the gas tank
Not the wisest thing you've done
Running on empty

Speed was on TV the other night, and I must say Keanu was plain old hot back in 1994. His hair was cut short and the idiotic way that he speaks in every role was not so annoying in this flick. Towards the end of the movie, Keanu is on some sort of cart that is moved underneath the speeding bus so he can attempt to disarm the bomb on its undercarriage. Just before he is completely under the bus, he has a MOMENT with Sandra Bullock (who is driving)—their eyes lock and it is unspoken but known that that everything will be all right. I could practically hear him screaming it telepathically. I laughed out loud when I saw that. Then the bus's tires start unraveling and Keanu stabs the gas tank with a screwdriver in an effort to stay on the cart and not get run over. I fell asleep after that, but I know in my heart that everything turned out all right, don't you?

Cowboy

Cowboy

A wheeled cowboy sits
parked alone in a grey stall
waiting for a horse

As I was driving up SE Grand, I happened to see out of the corner of my eye a man with a cowboy hat in a wheelchair, parked alone in a concrete bank parking garage. He had on thick leather gloves, a blue button-up shirt and glasses. There was no one else in the garage, no cars, no people. It was the strangest picture I have ever seen. He seemed utterly calm, just waiting, watching traffic. I don't know, maybe he was dead and his wife parked him there to fulfill his last wish of sitting in his favorite bank garage.

Seinfeld Man

Seinfeld Man

He dressed like Seinfeld
Blue blazer, white tennis shoes
He owned Stooges films

This was a guy that I dated for a tiny amount of time a long time ago. I can't remember his name, but I called him Seinfeld because that's how he dressed—blue blazer, white tennis shoes and Levi jeans. He was really cute, he looked like James Spader before James Spader started looking like he had his face beaten with some soap in a sock, but he also had bowed legs and he wanted to live in Mexico and walk around nude on the beaches there. I guess I don't have to explain why this did not last very long. He owned 8mm films of The Three Stooges and this was one of the reasons I dated him. Yes, I am that shallow, but even the Stooges couldn't make me stick around. I wonder what Seinspader's face looks like these days...

Wanted: Perspective

Wanted: Perspective

In need of glasses
some of Elton's would be fine
giving perspective


Sometimes I don't see things as they really are. Sometimes I see things through a haze of crap, when really things are just fine, and maybe just crappy and stupid around the edges. But I figure if I could have some of Elton's awesome crazypie glasses and wear them much of the time, I could see things more clearly. And I wouldn't mind wearing the poufy lamé suit either. And yes, I spelled it poufy because I like it that way.

Apparently Sharktopus was not an Idea Possible in the 70s

Apparently Sharktopus was not an Idea Possible in the 70s

So Peter Benchley
Water-based terror master
You spaced Sharktopus

Right now I am reading Jaws for funsies. It's going very fast as you might imagine, but it's not nearly as horrifying as you would think it should be. Then again it was written in the early 1970s, and I guess terror had not yet reached the zenith it has now. I was thinking Jaws would be at least 27 feet long—he's not, he's only 20 feet long. And he doesn't have any super powers, terrifying claws, tentacles or poisonous spittle. Peter Benchley, you disappoint me with your muted 70s thinking. Step outside the box man! Make Jaws be telepathic and bore the horror into someone's brain before he eats them! Give Jaws a voice to tell the victims they are doomed! Make Jaws a Luddite that will rend your loom! Or something like that.

Search History

Search History

Passive aggressive
Meatballs, Meatballs 3, Deco
RAID levels explained

This is my search history, and it is hilarious.

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude

I heard your "Oh noooo."
Secretly it filled me up
with gladness and joy

This is wrong, I know it's wrong, you don't have to tell me it's wrong. But it's true. Tee hee.

Landlord from Passive-Aggressive Town

Landlord from Passive-Aggressive Town

Landlord said thank you
to other tenants for rent
Jerk never thanked me

What the hell? Are you serious? I don't get this guy. He is always a passive-aggressive jackass to me, and I just heard him literally thank another tenant for dropping the rent check off. Never in my whole long-legged life have I ever been thanked by this guy for paying my rent. On time. Every time. People are asses.

Love for Sale

Love for Sale

Some history sold
for the going rate; an old
love among items

I sold a bunch of old rings today; one of the rings was an engagement ring. I don't really care that much that I sold it, but it sounds sad though, doesn't it?

These Five Dogs are My Children

These Five Dogs are My Children

Pomeranians
Five of them in a stroller
Raising kids is tough

This is what I saw at the antiques show at the Expo. When I get five dogs I guess I will have to get a stroller too.

Playground

Playground

I miss the metal
of the playground slides and swings
Crunchy gravel pops

Do you know how much I miss this stuff? I miss it like crazy. I miss swinging so high that my stomach flutters, I miss having a crush on a boy and my head swimming when I see him, I miss hearing the gravel crunch and pop beneath my blue Nikes with the white Swoosh that I had my mother buy me two years in a row because they were so awesome. When you grow up you have to do things like spend $242 on the cat at the vet's because he has urinary tract problems and needs an x-ray and a urinalysis and now he has to eat special food that costs an arm and a leg. Stupid cat.

Monkee Business

Monkee Business

The smallest Monkee
has stopped walking down the street
His heart, my heart: cracked

Oh Davy Jones, why did you have to expire? I thought he was the cutest of the Monkees and I didn't care that he was so darn short, and I have issues with short men. And those brown eyes, I am such a sucker for brown eyes. I think I shall just sigh the rest of the day.