Agent of Satan, DMD

Agent of Satan, DMD

Biggest fear ever
the dentist from my childhood
back to do damage

As you read last week, part of one of my bottom molars broke off, forcing me to go to the dentist. I am soooo afraid of dental visits; when I was a little kid I had a dentist from hell. I truly believe he was an agent of satan sent here to wreak severe mental damage upon small children. Today I went to a brand new dentist and he is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met. No judgement, no upsell, just the simple truth in a super quiet and kind voice. I honestly thought about thanking him for becoming a dentist. But that might be weird. Maybe I'll buy him a fruit basket instead.

Motor Mouth

Motor Mouth

I drive with my mouth

I called some dude a "bustard"

I was maybe two

My mom tells me this story of when I was about two, I was riding in the car with her and somebody cut her off. I yelled, "You bustard!" at the appropriate moment. I still drive with my mouth today, only the names I call people are not as cute as bustard.

Cat Opera

Cat Opera

Hello Mr. Maaaaan

You are such a fat cat-ohhh

Couldn't be fatterrrr

This is the type of stuff that I sing to my cat in operatic style. He loves it. You think I'm kidding.

Broken Tooth Blues

Broken Tooth Blues

Brushing teeth, then, fwink!
Tiny piece of tooth, broken
Crappy chew units

I was brushing my teeth this morning, when a tiny piece of one of my bottom molars broke off. I was and continue to be horrified. I grind my teeth when I sleep, so tiny fractures have made my teeth really weak, and this is the result. Thank the baby Jesus I am not in pain, because I don't get to go to the dentist until Monday. I think I might have all my teeth replaced with rubies. They wouldn't be as expensive as diamonds, they are second on the Mohs hardness scale, and they would scare the crap out of people when I smiled, showing a mouth full of faceted blood-red choppers. I also might be able to start a new trend among rappers, doing away with that tired gold grill thing.Totally the best idea I have ever had.

My Watch is Better Than Your Watch

My Watch is Better Than Your Watch

Color: Tomato
Size: Bigger than your damn head
Function: Awesomeness

I own several watches, but I haven't worn any in a long time. Then I spotted this one. Bold. Red. Plastic. It called to me and I had to have it. Now I am wearing this damn thing all the time, and I feel like I am part of some secret robot society. Like if I just pressed one of the many buttons, I could be transported to another galaxy and I would be a commander in the middle of a super robot war. I would be on the side of the good super robots, and the other super robots that I am fighting against are bad in some way. They do stuff like mash kittens and leave gum on the sidewalk and smoke outside of bars and cafes so you can't eat your sandwich in peace, so they must be destroyed. Yes, this is how my mind works.

I, Tool

I, Tool

As she crossed the walk
I saw her mouth the word "tool"
My car on the line

This morning I found myself in a precarious situation—I misjudged how fast the traffic was going and ended up with my car's back end sticking out into the intersection and the front end in the crosswalk when the light turned red. Luckily the traffic could pass around me easily, but the woman who used the crosswalk was really pissed, so pissed that as she walked in front of me she called me a tool. That's right, a tool. I have never been called that one before, but the list of names that people call me for next to no reason at all is long and always growing. Someday in the near future I think I shall publish the list. It will be glorious.

Candy Hassle

Candy Hassle

Candy from Halloween
Will it kill me when swallowed?
Whatevs, eating it

Yes, I ate candy that is ostensibly seven months old, but could be even older, given the time it takes to make and package and distribute said candy. It tasted fine, but if you no longer see these haikus, well then you'll know not to eat candy that is seven months old.

Beetle Boy

Beetle Boy

Fat rounded body
Spindly, flailing insect legs
Plaid shirt makes it work

You ever wonder how people get through life looking the way they do? Look, I’ve had some spectacularly bad hair days, and from the time I was eight till I was about 25 I was just plain chubby, but I’ve never looked like a beetle in human form. I am the world’s biggest jerk for recognizing this in people and saying something about it, but it’s the truth. You’ve all seen people who look like birds and dogs and monkeys, and now, I’ve seen a man who resembles a beetle. Kafka would be so proud.  

The Scramble

The Scramble

When the sun is out

I scramble for things to do

other than errands

It's a scramble I say. I don't want to take the plastic to the recycling center, or sit in the library reading People magazine or go to Dania to look at dining room tables. I must be outside! That being said, I will probably end up doing all the things I just listed today. Damn.

Matterhorn Man

Matterhorn Man

Dear Herr, out of place

Heavy green wool coat, cigar

The Matterhorn waits

Today has been the first really nice day in Portland since about October of last year—I got to wear sandals and short sleeves today. But the Matterhorn man, I don't know how he was doing it. He had on a really heavy wool coat and heavy pants, one of those hats with the spray of feathers and a cigar. He was walking ever so slowly and rolling the cigar around in his mouth. He looked like he'd been dropped out of a movie from 1942 into my neighborhood. Hopefully when I leave later I won't find him collapsed upon the sidewalk from heatstroke. Or Nazis.

The Cat's Birthday

The Cat's Birthday

It's the cat's birthday
He shares it with Herr Hitler
The cat is nicer

I know, it's weird that I know that today is my cat's birthday. I got him in a pet store, so they knew his exact birth date. He's six years old today. I think he'll get some furry mice and some lunch meat as a present.

Missing Mass Transit

Missing Mass Transit

I miss mass transit
and the reading that got read
and the freakshow freaks

Is used to work downtown, and while it was a complete hassle to have to get up and get down to the bus stop early, the 40-minute ride in to town afforded me the luxury of (almost) uninterrupted reading time. If you don't count the kooks and the freakshows that would draw my attention. As a matter of fact I miss them too. I used to read so many books! Now I have to actually turn off the TV to get any reading done, rather than just ignore the Eastern European guy that pretended to talk to the police on his cell phone every time he got on the bus, and then cough like Ben Stiller in Zoolander when he's saying, "Merman dad, (*cough *cough) merman," and then bobble his head like he was floating on the sea. God I miss the bus.

Dick Clark

Dick Clark

The glitter ball dropped
but no confetti, no horns
New Year's will be drab

Damn it Dick Clark, now we are forced to watch Ryan Seacrest every year. I don't care that you had a stroke and your face drooped a bit or that you french-kissed your wife inappropriately on New Year's Rockin' Eve, I can't watch Ryan Seacrest for the whole show. *Sigh* Rest in peace Dick.

Twix

Twix

Addicted to Twix
Some sort of cookie tweeker
biscuit finger high

Biscuit finger? Yes, biscuit finger. It's what Wikipedia says about Twix, and it is seriously funny. I seem to go in these cycles where I like something for a while, eat a boat load of it and then forget about it. That has not yet happened for me and the Twix. Delicious, bicuit finger Twix.

Ronald McDahlnald

Ronald McDahlnald

Oh, you mean Ronald?
No I mean Roald, jack ass
See: Augustus Gloop

I hate it when people are insistent and they really have no clue. I was talking about Roald Dahl once upon a time, and whomever I was talking to said, "Oh you mean Ronald?" I can't really remember if I called them a jack ass, but I am sure I thought it.

M*A*S*H

M*A*S*H

My blood boils over

when Hawkeye makes a dumb joke

fatigues fatigue me

I hate this show. I HATE this show. Hate it hate it hate it. When that damn instrumental theme song comes on, you better turn the damn TV off, because I'm going to get mad. God I hate this show.

Mark Hamill

Mark Hamill

The car accident

broke your nose and changed your looks

sad voice-over frog

Mark Hamill was about the cutest human ever in the first Star Wars movie. And yes, I said first, that's how old I am. I mean he was soooooo cute. Then the car accident, and it just zapped his cuteness. Now he just looks like a sad old frog. But the man is a master voice-over artist, so I can't say he's not talented. I actually feel bad about writing that he looks like a frog. So if you're reading this, I'm sorry Mark Hamill. You're talented, but you look like a frog.

Bathroom Banshee

Bathroom Banshee

Lady janitor
you haunt the restroom recesses
toilet wand banshee

It seems as of late every time I use the restroom at work the lady janitor (or janitress) is in there cleaning. A clean bathroom is lovely, but once in a while I would like to go without the door being wide open. Or anyone predicting my death by wailing.

Orwell, Party of Two

Orwell, Party of Two

We told them Orwell,
first name George, party of two
We ate the fried shrimp

Many years ago I had a best friend that I did everything with. He was an almost obssessive fan of the works of George Orwell, and many times if we had to give our name at a restaurant we submitted Orwell rather than one of our own. We would eat (at a now defunct) Chinese restaurant named Kim's; back in the day you could still smoke in restaurants and my friend would puff away on his menthols while we waited for our fried shrimp and pink sauce. Oh how I miss those days.

Corn Chip Armada

Corn Chip Armada

Too many Fritos
sit in my stomach, like a
corn chip armada

Having an armada in your stomach is just as uncomfortable as it sounds. I haven't had Fritos in years and now I remember why: the armada. The bag only cost me a dollar, but now I pay dearly for the corn and salt goodness.

The Goose that Laid the Golden Egg

The Goose that Laid the Golden Egg

Oh to be a goose!
Whose only job is to eat
and lay golden eggs

More likely they are pinching golden goose loaves, but you get the idea. I saw some geese on the side of the road this morning and I thought oh how lovely just to be a bird and not have a job and just be fat and feathery. And you would always have skinny legs. Always.

Pork and Beans Wish

Pork and Beans Wish

Pork and beans wishing
Had a boyfriend that ate them
with tons of sugar

One thousand years ago I had a boyfriend that would add sugar to practically everything, Kool-Aid and pork and beans most especially. I miss the the pork and beans.

Happy Easter Opossum

Happy Easter Opossum

Mouthful of needles
Not a great Easter for you
dead dead opossum

Poor ugly dead opossum on the side of the road. And what the heck is up with three syllables? I have never heard one person pronounce the word with the "o", but Merriam-Webster says that's the way it is, so that's what I did. Apparently I was raised by hill people that don't pronounce all the syllables in words. 'Tastic.

The Dollar Store

The Dollar Store

Wearing a short dress
Sapphire eyeshadow, hair up
He moved, Hobbit-like 

The Dollar Store is always an awesome place to see the best of the best of humanity. All I can say is this guy should not have been wearing a dress. But I did like his eyeshadow.

Bernie Carpenter

Bernie Carpenter

So not into you
Silver moustache and mullet
make my soul shudder

This is a real guy. Not his real name of course, I have no idea what his real name is, but he works in the same building that I do. For some reason, this man who resembles both the main (and dead) character in Weekend at Bernie's and the director John Carpenter in his middle years has decided that I am his one true love, and stares at me with such longing in the hallways that I have now started to look at the floor whenever we pass. He has stepped directly out of the year 1984, wearing not only Cliff Huxtable sweaters ad infinitum, but a singular, shining silver moustache with no additional facial hair. He is not wearing either to be ironic. I attract these people all the time. Apparently I was a very, very bad human in another life.

The Shoe on the Bridge

The Shoe on the Bridge

Lone brown slip-on shoe
Some man only has a right
walking in circles

Everyday I drive over the Ross Island Bridge to and from work. On the way home I have noticed a man's left shoe near the guard rail. I wonder how such a nice shoe got there, and if its owner has any clue where he lost it.

Downtown Burbank

Downtown Burbank

"I didn't go to
heaven, I went to downtown
Burbank," my mom said.

I have no idea what this means. I have forgotten the context in which it was said, but I had it written down in a notebook and I thought it was funny, especially since my mother has never been to Burbank in her life, let alone downtown Burbank. I think it may be a Johnny Carson reference, but it could just be that my mom is nuts.

Questions: Left Unanswered in the Grocery Store

Questions: Left Unanswered in the Grocery Store

Tiny Confucius
rolling on by unnoticed
Fuzzy sage, aisle six

Yesterday in the grocery store, a woman rolled her cart by—one of the little ones—and on the bottom where you usually put cat food or soda pop sat the oldest, most grizzled pug I have ever seen. He was on the small side and nestled in a coat to keep him from falling over. He didn't even look like a dog anymore, but just the rumor of a dog, the promise of a dog. But he looked like he could tell me anything I ever wanted to know. I should have stopped the woman and knelt down to ask the dog all the questions I could think of, but he looked too wise to bother with my trifles. He rolled on by, and I still don't know what's going on.

Excel

Excel

Excel, devil's toy
crafted by sour minions with
faulty formulas

This took about four minutes to come up with, after about three hours of Excel hell. I understand it's operator error, but I still don't like it.

Sundays are for Laying About

Sundays are for Laying About

I don't have a thing
Maybe I won't write a word
Quiet can be nice

Somedays I would rather watch Office Space on TV and try to get rid of a headache than try to write one of these. But you knew that.