Bernie Carpenter
So not into you
Silver moustache and mullet
make my soul shudder
This is a real guy. Not his real name of course, I have no idea what his real name is, but he works in the same building that I do. For some reason, this man who resembles both the main (and dead) character in Weekend at Bernie's and the director John Carpenter in his middle years has decided that I am his one true love, and stares at me with such longing in the hallways that I have now started to look at the floor whenever we pass. He has stepped directly out of the year 1984, wearing not only Cliff Huxtable sweaters ad infinitum, but a singular, shining silver moustache with no additional facial hair. He is not wearing either to be ironic. I attract these people all the time. Apparently I was a very, very bad human in another life.
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