Sosigenes of Alexandria
Your good pal Pliny
named you the star observer
leaping over all
Sosigenes was an astronomer that lived during the same time as our old pal Pliny the Elder, and who was consulted to make the Julian calendar for Julias Caesar. Sosigenes was a pretty smart guy and figured out that if he didn't add a leap day every four years the calender would eventually be off and the seasons would not start on the same day they always do. How did these guys know so much back in the day? Half the time I don't even know what day it is, let alone if it's a Leap Year. I tip my hat to you Sosigenes.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sean Young at the 84th Oscars Afterparty, or How to Get Yourself Arrested in Hollywood
Sean Young at the 84th Oscars Afterparty, or How to Get Yourself Arrested in Hollywood
Puffy, aging face
Classic android role didn't
get you a ticket
Did you read about Sean Young? Oh that poor crazy thing. She tried to crash the official after-Oscars party and got arrested. Wait, first she was placed under citizen's arrest by the bodyguard who was tired of her shenanigans, and then she got arrested for real. And the dress? Prom nightmare. And the pictures she took with the celebrities as she skulked about outside? Pure gold. Maybe she should just power down for the time being.
Puffy, aging face
Classic android role didn't
get you a ticket
Did you read about Sean Young? Oh that poor crazy thing. She tried to crash the official after-Oscars party and got arrested. Wait, first she was placed under citizen's arrest by the bodyguard who was tired of her shenanigans, and then she got arrested for real. And the dress? Prom nightmare. And the pictures she took with the celebrities as she skulked about outside? Pure gold. Maybe she should just power down for the time being.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Angelina at the 84th Oscars, or How to Stand Like a Lady When You are Made of Wood
Angelina at the 84th Oscars, or How to Stand Like a Lady When You are Made of Wood
Broomsticks stands askew
no one wants to see your cooch
Take it home to Brad
Jesus did you see Angelina at the Oscars? What the hell was wrong with her? First of all, another black dress. Second, it was slit up to her eyeballs and she stood in a very affected and odd manner so her 3-pound leg was out of the dress. When she walked out, seriously, you almost saw her vagina. And third, she had a strange wet sheen about her, like her makeup made especially for androids was running, or she had been out in a rainforest for the previous two hours hunting people. That bitch is crazy.
Broomsticks stands askew
no one wants to see your cooch
Take it home to Brad
Jesus did you see Angelina at the Oscars? What the hell was wrong with her? First of all, another black dress. Second, it was slit up to her eyeballs and she stood in a very affected and odd manner so her 3-pound leg was out of the dress. When she walked out, seriously, you almost saw her vagina. And third, she had a strange wet sheen about her, like her makeup made especially for androids was running, or she had been out in a rainforest for the previous two hours hunting people. That bitch is crazy.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Under a Chicken Leg Spell
Under a Chicken Leg Spell
The Colonel beckons,
the nearest is 81st
Damn you chicken man
I have a love affair with the Colonel's chicken. I want it all the time, but the closest KFC is 3.34 miles away from my house. So over six and a half miles for a few chicken legs that will make me sick later. Damn you chicken man. Damn you.
The Colonel beckons,
the nearest is 81st
Damn you chicken man
I have a love affair with the Colonel's chicken. I want it all the time, but the closest KFC is 3.34 miles away from my house. So over six and a half miles for a few chicken legs that will make me sick later. Damn you chicken man. Damn you.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Carrot Top
Carrot Top
Eyebrows pinned strangely
Hidden cords pull under skin
Annie locks explode!
Today is Carrot Top's 47th birthday and I think he would look pretty damn good except that he's had some sort of work done on his face and it makes him look like a very angry Raggedy Andy spliced with Little Orphan Annie and an egg full of Silly Putty. Topped with eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. And then put in a blender with steroids and pastel colors.
Eyebrows pinned strangely
Hidden cords pull under skin
Annie locks explode!
Today is Carrot Top's 47th birthday and I think he would look pretty damn good except that he's had some sort of work done on his face and it makes him look like a very angry Raggedy Andy spliced with Little Orphan Annie and an egg full of Silly Putty. Topped with eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. And then put in a blender with steroids and pastel colors.
Friday, February 24, 2012
An Event
An Event
An event will show
a person's true properties
Sometimes best unseen
I guess this doesn't need too much explaining—when something difficult comes along that tests a person's mettle, you find out what they are made of, and sometimes you don't like what you see. On a lighter note, I really like Twix minis. Mmm, delicious.
An event will show
a person's true properties
Sometimes best unseen
I guess this doesn't need too much explaining—when something difficult comes along that tests a person's mettle, you find out what they are made of, and sometimes you don't like what you see. On a lighter note, I really like Twix minis. Mmm, delicious.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
George
George
Sock man from years past
Button eyes see me happy,
ribbon mouth smiling
When I was little I had a sock doll named George. He was a sock man, not a sock monkey. He was a strange blue, made by my grandmother from strangely blue work socks. He had pearl button eyes and a red ribbon mouth. He eventually was moved to my other grandmother's house and then was given away. I miss George terribly.
Sock man from years past
Button eyes see me happy,
ribbon mouth smiling
When I was little I had a sock doll named George. He was a sock man, not a sock monkey. He was a strange blue, made by my grandmother from strangely blue work socks. He had pearl button eyes and a red ribbon mouth. He eventually was moved to my other grandmother's house and then was given away. I miss George terribly.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Nightie Night
Nightie Night
Propofol dream drug
whisked MJ to ceaseless sleep
Jermaine cries alone
Just my take on Michael's sleepy-time folly, and that I am sure that Jermaine has to cry by himself because he's an ugly crier.
Propofol dream drug
whisked MJ to ceaseless sleep
Jermaine cries alone
Just my take on Michael's sleepy-time folly, and that I am sure that Jermaine has to cry by himself because he's an ugly crier.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Carl Linnaeus
Carl Linnaeus
Taxonomy king
Designed binary system
To order all things
How much do I love this guy? All most as much as Jerry Orbach. Carl Linnaeus was a Swedish botonist, zoologist and physician in the 1700s that pretty much invented binomial nomenclature, the system of naming species in Latin. Oh Carl, you awesome Homo sapiens you.
Taxonomy king
Designed binary system
To order all things
How much do I love this guy? All most as much as Jerry Orbach. Carl Linnaeus was a Swedish botonist, zoologist and physician in the 1700s that pretty much invented binomial nomenclature, the system of naming species in Latin. Oh Carl, you awesome Homo sapiens you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Robot of Fulfillment
Robot of Fulfillment
Tin bot granting joy
Sparks of bliss glow from within
Answers to "Pepper"
I think everyone needs a robot that is programmed to find them fulfillment. If I had one I would name it Pepper, which is a name usually reserved for female cats, but I think I could make it work. To get it to come in at night I would fill a little food bowl full of nuts and bolts and shake it on the front porch while calling, "Peeeeppperrrrr!" (Shake shake shake.) "Peeeeppperrrrr!" (Shake shake shake.) And then Pepper would come in and tell me that I am going on an all expenses-paid vacation and the guy that I like likes me too and he's going on the vacation with me and I also got a book deal and a movie deal and I won the lottery. Ahhh, fulfillment. Thank you Pepper.
Tin bot granting joy
Sparks of bliss glow from within
Answers to "Pepper"
I think everyone needs a robot that is programmed to find them fulfillment. If I had one I would name it Pepper, which is a name usually reserved for female cats, but I think I could make it work. To get it to come in at night I would fill a little food bowl full of nuts and bolts and shake it on the front porch while calling, "Peeeeppperrrrr!" (Shake shake shake.) "Peeeeppperrrrr!" (Shake shake shake.) And then Pepper would come in and tell me that I am going on an all expenses-paid vacation and the guy that I like likes me too and he's going on the vacation with me and I also got a book deal and a movie deal and I won the lottery. Ahhh, fulfillment. Thank you Pepper.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Shut the Eff Up
Shut the Eff Up
Old man, shut your face
Make your old pie hole silent
Like this film we watch
I just saw The Artist, and it was brilliant. I thought I was home free in regards to noise makers sitting next to me but after the film started two old people wandered in and sat next to me. And talked. "Well how long has it been on? It must have started early." No old man, the movie did not start early, you got here late. "Can you see?" Yes old man, your wife can see perfectly. And after a particularly funny moment, "DO YOU LIKE THE MOVIE? IT'S GREAT!" I give the wife credit though because at this point she shushed him and reset his old man volume control. I would have just stabbed him in the face.
Old man, shut your face
Make your old pie hole silent
Like this film we watch
I just saw The Artist, and it was brilliant. I thought I was home free in regards to noise makers sitting next to me but after the film started two old people wandered in and sat next to me. And talked. "Well how long has it been on? It must have started early." No old man, the movie did not start early, you got here late. "Can you see?" Yes old man, your wife can see perfectly. And after a particularly funny moment, "DO YOU LIKE THE MOVIE? IT'S GREAT!" I give the wife credit though because at this point she shushed him and reset his old man volume control. I would have just stabbed him in the face.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Secretariat
Secretariat
Forceful equine pee
Hello Triple Crown winner
You're in the wrong stall
In the bathroom at work I heard what sounded like a racehorse in the next stall. Somehow Secretariat was resurrected and came to my work to have a tinkle. Only it wasn't a tinkle, it was a torrent. The craziest part (yes, crazier than a zombie horse in the ladies' room) is I saw the woman to whom the, uh, horse bladder belonged, and she was the size of an acorn. I'm positive the bladder must have taken up at least 45 percent of her person. How do acorn people have horse bladders? And why must I see these people and know that they possess a super urethra?
Forceful equine pee
Hello Triple Crown winner
You're in the wrong stall
In the bathroom at work I heard what sounded like a racehorse in the next stall. Somehow Secretariat was resurrected and came to my work to have a tinkle. Only it wasn't a tinkle, it was a torrent. The craziest part (yes, crazier than a zombie horse in the ladies' room) is I saw the woman to whom the, uh, horse bladder belonged, and she was the size of an acorn. I'm positive the bladder must have taken up at least 45 percent of her person. How do acorn people have horse bladders? And why must I see these people and know that they possess a super urethra?
Friday, February 17, 2012
Megalodon
Megalodon
O! Carcharodon!
You have swallowed my mind whole
I live inside you
Have I ever told you how much I love Megalodon? An extinct shark species that reached between 40 and 50 feet in length and had teeth the size of a man's hand. They could have swallowed a person whole (had they existed at the same time) and chewed on huge whales for fun and food. Can you imagine seeing one? I would simultaneously have a stroke and poop my scuba suit, and while I was in the warm glow of oxygen deprivation and fecal matter, Meg would open his mouth and usher me in to my new home. Until I was digested.
O! Carcharodon!
You have swallowed my mind whole
I live inside you
Have I ever told you how much I love Megalodon? An extinct shark species that reached between 40 and 50 feet in length and had teeth the size of a man's hand. They could have swallowed a person whole (had they existed at the same time) and chewed on huge whales for fun and food. Can you imagine seeing one? I would simultaneously have a stroke and poop my scuba suit, and while I was in the warm glow of oxygen deprivation and fecal matter, Meg would open his mouth and usher me in to my new home. Until I was digested.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
If David Gest Starred in a House of Wax Remake, He'd Melt Before the End of the Film
If David Gest Starred in a House of Wax Remake, He'd Melt Before the End of the Film
Wax doll tongued Liza
Eyebrows better groomed than hers
Madame Tusseaud calls
David Gest is a grave concern of mine. I don't understand him/it at all. He seems modelled from wax and ready to melt away into nothingness at any moment, but before he does, I think he would be very capable of stealing into my bedroom at 3AM and sitting in a folding card table chair and just... waiting.
Wax doll tongued Liza
Eyebrows better groomed than hers
Madame Tusseaud calls
David Gest is a grave concern of mine. I don't understand him/it at all. He seems modelled from wax and ready to melt away into nothingness at any moment, but before he does, I think he would be very capable of stealing into my bedroom at 3AM and sitting in a folding card table chair and just... waiting.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
War of the Gargantuas
War of the Gargantuas
Corrupt green monster
fights kindly brown one, brothers
Death comes in Japan
So I guess I never really understood the plot of War of the Gargantuas, but then again I haven't seen it in about a hundred years. These two monsters were created in a lab from scraps of Frankenstein's monster, which explains why they have heads shaped like cereal boxes, but not why they have furry bodies. Unless a bear or marmoset was involved, but I don't think either was. Anyway, the evil green monster named Gaira for "sea" lives in the ocean and loves to snack upon the Japanese folk. The nice brown monster called Sanda for the mountains where he lives is always trying to get his brother to quit eating people. I don't see why they couldn't compromise and have a meatless Friday.
Corrupt green monster
fights kindly brown one, brothers
Death comes in Japan
So I guess I never really understood the plot of War of the Gargantuas, but then again I haven't seen it in about a hundred years. These two monsters were created in a lab from scraps of Frankenstein's monster, which explains why they have heads shaped like cereal boxes, but not why they have furry bodies. Unless a bear or marmoset was involved, but I don't think either was. Anyway, the evil green monster named Gaira for "sea" lives in the ocean and loves to snack upon the Japanese folk. The nice brown monster called Sanda for the mountains where he lives is always trying to get his brother to quit eating people. I don't see why they couldn't compromise and have a meatless Friday.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Yo, Yoda
Yo, Yoda
Yoda, Yo Yoda
Yoda Yoda Yoda Yo
Yo Yoda Yoda
This is a guest haiku, the first ever, written by my "super muscly coworker" who will only be known as Anonymous. I put "super muscly coworker" in quotes because that's what he told me to say—not because he's really quite lanky and without any real muscle tone at all. It's another case of two broom sticks being lashed together (see Brad Pitt) and topped with a plaid shirt and fashionable sneakers. I know it sounds terrible, but he'll never read this so I can write what I want. He should have known this would happen when he gave me permission to post Yo, Yoda.
Yoda, Yo Yoda
Yoda Yoda Yoda Yo
Yo Yoda Yoda
This is a guest haiku, the first ever, written by my "super muscly coworker" who will only be known as Anonymous. I put "super muscly coworker" in quotes because that's what he told me to say—not because he's really quite lanky and without any real muscle tone at all. It's another case of two broom sticks being lashed together (see Brad Pitt) and topped with a plaid shirt and fashionable sneakers. I know it sounds terrible, but he'll never read this so I can write what I want. He should have known this would happen when he gave me permission to post Yo, Yoda.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Be Sure to Eat your Vegetables
Be Sure to Eat your Vegetables
Witch finger carrot
Green Giant is a killer
Hag digit = trophy
The other day I found a baby carrot in a Jolly Green Giant baby carrot bag that looks exactly like a witch finger. It was so disturbing that I put it back into the bag, only to pull it out a second time at a later date. I put it back in the bag again and there it remains. This carrot has what looks like a finger nail and a twisted top interphalangeal joint. It horrifies me to think about it. What I don't understand is how the Jolly Green Giant let this little gem get into a bag for distribution. I would have thought it would have ended up on his necklace with the rest of the witch fingers.
Witch finger carrot
Green Giant is a killer
Hag digit = trophy
The other day I found a baby carrot in a Jolly Green Giant baby carrot bag that looks exactly like a witch finger. It was so disturbing that I put it back into the bag, only to pull it out a second time at a later date. I put it back in the bag again and there it remains. This carrot has what looks like a finger nail and a twisted top interphalangeal joint. It horrifies me to think about it. What I don't understand is how the Jolly Green Giant let this little gem get into a bag for distribution. I would have thought it would have ended up on his necklace with the rest of the witch fingers.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Cat
The Cat
Fifteen-pound beastie
Must you sit on me always?
Magnet to my steel
My cat is needy and must sit on me at all times. I love him but sometimes I would like to be able to eat or paint my toenails without a gargantuan Siamese in my lap.
Fifteen-pound beastie
Must you sit on me always?
Magnet to my steel
My cat is needy and must sit on me at all times. I love him but sometimes I would like to be able to eat or paint my toenails without a gargantuan Siamese in my lap.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Cuttlefish are for Cuddling
Cuttlefish are for Cuddling
I will not eat you
Hue-changing pug of the sea
Neptune's ludic pooch
It is my dream to see a cuttlefish swimming about in the sea—how can you not love a little being with a hovering spaceship body, eight arms, two tenticles, a fat little belly and W-shaped pupils staring back at you? I love them, only not for eating. If I could have one as a pet to hug and squeeze I would, but I'll just stick to the land-faring animal that I have now. I shall let the Cuttles roam free, and keep them off my menu.
I will not eat you
Hue-changing pug of the sea
Neptune's ludic pooch
It is my dream to see a cuttlefish swimming about in the sea—how can you not love a little being with a hovering spaceship body, eight arms, two tenticles, a fat little belly and W-shaped pupils staring back at you? I love them, only not for eating. If I could have one as a pet to hug and squeeze I would, but I'll just stick to the land-faring animal that I have now. I shall let the Cuttles roam free, and keep them off my menu.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Darth Vader Without His Helmet was a Severe Disappointment
Darth Vader Without his Helmet was a Severe Disappointment
Darth Vader unveiled
Pallid, spongey caped thing
No candle to Jones
Was everybody as disappointed as I was when Darth Vader took his helmet off? I remember his head was really pale and egg-y. Sebastian Shaw really couldn't hold a candle to James Earl Jones who voiced Vader. I understand they had to make dude white, but James Earl Jones people. Come on.
Darth Vader unveiled
Pallid, spongey caped thing
No candle to Jones
Was everybody as disappointed as I was when Darth Vader took his helmet off? I remember his head was really pale and egg-y. Sebastian Shaw really couldn't hold a candle to James Earl Jones who voiced Vader. I understand they had to make dude white, but James Earl Jones people. Come on.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
A Marriage
A Marriage
Skynet is aware
directing monkeys' chaos!
The phonelines don't work
This is what happens when The Terminator marries Rise Planet of the Apes.
Skynet is aware
directing monkeys' chaos!
The phonelines don't work
This is what happens when The Terminator marries Rise Planet of the Apes.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Starling Dusk
Starling Dusk
Starlings dance and swoop
in front of a bald-faced moon
Pink dusk frames the scape
Why do men have no asses? Most specifically, why is it that white men have no asses? I saw a guy at work today that literally had an indentation where his ass should have been. The pockets of his jeans were collapsing in on themselves whenever he took a step. When I finally saw his front side I thought he was a nice-looking fellow, but I can't imagine what he looks like naked. Is it just regular guy body and then... what? Like he was hit in the back side with a railroad tie? Like his ass area was chewed off by unhappy elves? Like California has floated off into the sea? And what is this assless guy sitting on anyway? How does that work?
Okay, okay, I have said enough about poor men who are missing an ass. I need a sandwich.
Starlings dance and swoop
in front of a bald-faced moon
Pink dusk frames the scape
Why do men have no asses? Most specifically, why is it that white men have no asses? I saw a guy at work today that literally had an indentation where his ass should have been. The pockets of his jeans were collapsing in on themselves whenever he took a step. When I finally saw his front side I thought he was a nice-looking fellow, but I can't imagine what he looks like naked. Is it just regular guy body and then... what? Like he was hit in the back side with a railroad tie? Like his ass area was chewed off by unhappy elves? Like California has floated off into the sea? And what is this assless guy sitting on anyway? How does that work?
Okay, okay, I have said enough about poor men who are missing an ass. I need a sandwich.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Hummingbird Out my Backdoor: The Cat's POV
Hummingbird Out my Backdoor: The Cat's POV
Hovering morsel
Lay down, let me bite your face
Oh! Solved oil crisis
Yesterday I told you about the hummingbird that comes to visit, and that my cat Jackson wasn't fast enough to process that this little thing was edible and to snap it up when he had the chance. Probably though, he lost interest in the bird when he came up with the answer to a global problem. Only he can't talk to tell me the answer, and he can't hold a pen to write it down. Dang.
Hovering morsel
Lay down, let me bite your face
Oh! Solved oil crisis
Yesterday I told you about the hummingbird that comes to visit, and that my cat Jackson wasn't fast enough to process that this little thing was edible and to snap it up when he had the chance. Probably though, he lost interest in the bird when he came up with the answer to a global problem. Only he can't talk to tell me the answer, and he can't hold a pen to write it down. Dang.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Hummingbird Out my Backdoor
Hummingbird Out my Backdoor
Winged magic carpet
Hovers iridescent green
Cat process too slow
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Pliny the Elder
Pliny the Elder
A rescue attempt
left you stranded on the sand
To sleep in pumice
Friday, February 3, 2012
Hobos and Hermit Crabs are Essentially the Same
Hobos and Hermit Crabs are Essentially the Same
Your bindle is home
The shell of a hermit crab
Handkerchief chitin
I really wanted to save this one for Hobo Haiku week, and that may still happen, but I didn't have anything at the ready and I really like this one. I really like hobos too, but I tend to have a romanticized image of them in my head. They are all the scruffy clown-hobo hybrid men that wear white face makeup and have a serious 5 o'clock shadow, a suit vest and a pocket watch that doesn't work. But I don't think these types really exist. Real hobos are jerks named Loyd that have the word "Railroad" tattooed acoss their chests and wander drunkenly across the tracks at inopportune times. Poor Loyd.
Your bindle is home
The shell of a hermit crab
Handkerchief chitin
I really wanted to save this one for Hobo Haiku week, and that may still happen, but I didn't have anything at the ready and I really like this one. I really like hobos too, but I tend to have a romanticized image of them in my head. They are all the scruffy clown-hobo hybrid men that wear white face makeup and have a serious 5 o'clock shadow, a suit vest and a pocket watch that doesn't work. But I don't think these types really exist. Real hobos are jerks named Loyd that have the word "Railroad" tattooed acoss their chests and wander drunkenly across the tracks at inopportune times. Poor Loyd.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Gosling
Gosling
Ugly duck? Think not
Gilded scorpion jacket
Sublime on your frame
Did you see Drive? It's one of my favorite movies, and I think will be considered a classic in the coming years. It has a distinctly 80s feel, replete with synth music and an amazing white jacket with a golden scorpion worn by the main character known only as the Driver. Go watch it, they never reveal Ryan Gosling's character's name. He kills people to protect the woman he loves. In fact he kills several people to protect the woman he loves in all sorts of terrible and symbolic ways.*sigh* I love that stuff.
Ugly duck? Think not
Gilded scorpion jacket
Sublime on your frame
Did you see Drive? It's one of my favorite movies, and I think will be considered a classic in the coming years. It has a distinctly 80s feel, replete with synth music and an amazing white jacket with a golden scorpion worn by the main character known only as the Driver. Go watch it, they never reveal Ryan Gosling's character's name. He kills people to protect the woman he loves. In fact he kills several people to protect the woman he loves in all sorts of terrible and symbolic ways.*sigh* I love that stuff.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Donald Duck
Donald Duck
Don Duck voice eludes
What are the fowl mechanics?
Let me see your throat
One of the few voices I cannot impersonate is Donald Duck, and it really chaps my hide. I can't figure out what to do with my throat, or my mouth for that matter, to make the Disney bird's quack utter forth from my maw. What will most likely happen is I will learn how to do the Donald Duck voice upon my deathbed, and all my cats will look at me like, "HUH?" Then the leader will direct others to feast on my flesh when I have stopped breathing.
Don Duck voice eludes
What are the fowl mechanics?
Let me see your throat
One of the few voices I cannot impersonate is Donald Duck, and it really chaps my hide. I can't figure out what to do with my throat, or my mouth for that matter, to make the Disney bird's quack utter forth from my maw. What will most likely happen is I will learn how to do the Donald Duck voice upon my deathbed, and all my cats will look at me like, "HUH?" Then the leader will direct others to feast on my flesh when I have stopped breathing.
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