The Old and the Shirtless

The Old and the Shirtless

Old shirtless jogger

Please tuck your man teats inside

suitable garment

I went on a walk the other day at work and saw an older gent walking around without a shirt. Snow white hair, snow white socks, snow white shoes, debonair moustache, and sagging teats—some sort of ancient Douglas Fairbanks Jr. sans a button up. You would think someone so snazzy looking would want to show off something other than old man boobies, like a neatly knotted cravat and a sleek blazer. But the awesome thing about getting old is that you get to do what you want and no one gets to say anything. Except in a blog. Behind your old man back.

Bust a Boogie

Bust a Boogie

Slow car ahead, bust

a boogie mother f*cker!

I have lost my mind

This morning this is what I yelled at the slow car ahead of me in the fast lane. What the hell is "bust a boogie"?

Fancy Shoe Spider War of 2012

Fancy Shoe Spider War of 2012

Inside fancy shoes
Spiders will dance joyously
until the insult...

A friend at work bought some shoes that she believes are so awesome and magical they will cause all the spiders in her house to come out and nest in them. I imagine that the spiders will have cotillions inside the shoes when they are not being worn, but the pattern of four spider couples dancing will cause much consternation, as there will be 64 legs flailing, 32 of them in petticoats. After a regrettable incident between a French country spider insulting a Vienna court spider, there will be an all out spider war, and the shoes will be lost in the resulting battles. You know this is totally going to happen, right? Fancy Shoe Spider War of 2012. Get ready.

The Chicken Walk

The Chicken Walk

Watching chickens peck

Said my name is Jennifer

He said oh, oh, oh

Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that men are buffoons. If you are a man, I am sorry, there are no exceptions. If you are a women, well then you already know this little bit of information. On a walk earlier today I stopped to watch some chickens in a neighbor's yard. Fat lovely chickens. A man stopped too, ostensibly to talk to me, as I have seen him before in my neighborhood and he smiles at me often. So after a brief discussion about the delicious chickens, I introduced myself. He said, "Oh, oh, oh." And then he continued on about the chickens. Who doesn't give their name when introduced to someone? Men are dolts. The ones you want never want you, the ones who want you are are torn down, and the rest will never have the epiphany needed to figure out they are with the wrong person. Absolutely ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back online to find the man of my dreams.

The Seventh Stewie Pant

The Seventh Stewie Pant

The Stewie pants, small

Most likely they'll be fine, but

I like medium

I have seven pairs of Stewie Griffin pajama bottoms. I bought the newest pair today and I didn't notice until I got home that they were a small on a medium hanger. Who the hell is switching stuff around? Can't they just let me enjoy the fact that I found a new pattern of Stewie, without destroying my joy by surreptitiously swapping the medium for a small? Surreptitious swappers. A pox upon your house.

The Wizarding Pate

The Wizarding Pate

Your crown is alone
but a long mane tumbles down
ode to wizardry

I saw two dudes today that had long hair, but were completely bald on top. Why? What is this? Why look like a wizard when you have no wizard powers? If you're gonna do that at least put on some sort of crushed verlvet cape. Preferrably purple. Wizards always wear purple.

The Neighbor Ape

The Neighbor Ape

She was aping me
but really, she was singing
My ears cry wax tears

I thought my next door neighbor was imitating me (See: Tiny Hands Equal Enormous Wrath), singing some sort of super vibrato junk that I could hear through the walls. I sing all the time, and I thought well this bitch must be crazy to make fun of me. But I figured out in the last two days or so that she's a singer. I use that term very loosely, because for goodness sake I thought she was playing around. I heard her very clearly the other day singing some operatic business. It was tepid. Weak. Flaccid. It sounded like very boring white anglo church music. So now I have to listen to that crap, in addition to the dragging chair sounds and music with French horns. One night when I no longer care I will drag my keyboard out in front of her door and sing something awful, like something by the Grateful Dead, or wait, no! I will sing Puttin' on the Ritz in the mesmerizing style of Taco. I will dress in a tuxedo and have a light saber cane at the ready. I will also have my make up done like Tim Curry and do snakey head movements.Take my Taco neighbor, take my Taco and deal with it.

The Invisible Girl

The Invisible Girl

Me, invisible
I winked out of existence
Came back for cupcakes

When I was about seven years old, my second grade class put on a play. Half of the class was going to be in the play, and the other half was going to make the props in the anteroom while the players practiced. In that strange twilight moment after the teacher told us what we should do, I winked out of existence. I did not black out, I did not lose consciousness, I left the planet, or I became invisible. Either way it involved some sort of wizardry. Let me tell you why: the teacher did not notice me in the back of the room until I myself became aware that I was still in the back of the room. All the other kids were either practicing the play, or making props. And me, I was trying my hand at magic. Weird? You bet! Ot of character for me? Not at all. When the teacher finally noticed me about 40 minutes had passed. Where was I? Hard to say. And as for the cupcakes, who wouldn't come back for those?

Amanda Krueger has Come Home to Roost

Amanda Krueger has Come Home to Roost

Freddy Krueger's mom
interrupts my sweet Django
Seal Pandora's box!

I have a Django Reinhardt station on Pandora. For some reason today Freddy Krueger's mother appeared in one of the ads in the side bar and has been scaring me all day.

Troll Mouth

Troll Mouth

Photos show troll mouth
Tiny lips pursed, waiting for?
Fat goats to digest

I saw a photo of me taken quite recently, and it shows that I have troll mouth. Always, troll mouth. What is troll mouth you ask? Well, it looks like I might have a mouth full of marbles, or goat parts, or that I am trying to keep my teeth from falling out. When I break out of troll mouth, I have a lopsided smirk. I'm waiting for these two styles of smiling to merge so I can be pictured with a lopsided troll smirk. I have painted such a pretty picture of myself lately, haven't I? I have a troll mouth, mummy hands, and a new form of dwarfation where my head is realistically too small to support human brain function. When I am done with my self deprecation, I am going to draw a self portrait with all my awesome features. I know, it's like, hurry up and draw right?

Little Head

Little Head

He called out to me,
"Hey, little head, come back in!"
Kid-sized flippers flapped

I like to remind people how small I am. Truly, just a little slip of a thing. Not really, I think I am just some sort of new dwarf, who has a relatively normal-sized body, but with an extremely tiny head and really long and thin hands and feet. This is why the snorkeling dude called me back in by addressing me as "little head" when I got too far away from the boat. I had to wear both a kid's mask and kid flippers. I know there are others out there like me, with relatively-normal-sized-body-but-extremely-tiny-head-and-really-long-and-thin-hands-and-feet dwarfation syndrome. I will find them. We will unite. And then we will share flippers.

The Old Man Flag

The Old Man Flag

Old men, fly your flag!

Non-sleek, gigantic white shoes

Reebok accepted

I was talking with a friend about how at some point, all men cross the threshold into old man-dom and start wearing huge white tennis shoes. Why is this? When the brain begins to wither, is the white shoe somehow more attractive, like a specter calling in the night? When the axons and dendrites don't make connections as quickly, does the pontoon-like feel of the chunky shoe make them feel more at ease, more stable? Just then, as if to make my point with a human example, a dude walked by wearing, you guessed it, great big white Reeboks. The crazy part is this behavior begins far sooner than it has too. I've seen men as young as 45 flying the old man flag. So if you are feeling the tremendous urge to buy a pair of glaringly white tennis shoes that are more round than long, just sit down. Breathe. Remain calm. We will go shoe shopping, and you can put your flag back in the closet for another year.

Friday Night Dream

Friday Night Dream

Rob Lowe without pants

Jingle Bell horses scrambling

Murderous grandma

This is an excerpt from a dream I had recently. And I am not even telling the best parts.

The Mummy's Hands

The Mummy's Hands

My hands are shrinking
Desicated twigs scratching
Golden rings spin round

I have hamster hands. This is a known fact. I don't really have too much of an issue with them, because most people think they are pretty. They don't know that I have to wear splints at night to keep them from curling up into their more natural claw-like format. What I noticed today though is that my rings are spinning like mad, so apparently my hands are shrinking. Not in length, I won't have baby hands any time soon, but they seem to be shrinking in girth. I figure about mid July they will look like mummy hands, and I will have to start wearing kid gloves that go up to my elbow, and affix them to my sleeves with safety pins. I may have to start talking in an affected Grey Gardens manner to pull that off. Then in August when my hands and arms no longer work due to the mysterious shrinkation, I will have to hire a small Scottish boy to pose them while I am speaking so I appear more lively than if they were to just lay at my sides. And I don't think the Scottish people are more disposed to this kind of work (forelimb and hand arranger/puppeteer), but I really like the Scottish accent and I would ask the lad to say several words in his brogue. "Duncan Finlay! Say Oklahoma! Say Bananas Foster! Say pee pee kitty!!! Say it damn you, say it!" Then I would command him to rubber band my gin and tonic to my kid-gloved mummy hand and pose me for drinking.

The Pork Redux

The Pork Redux

Hawaiian slices

Making sweet love to my eyes

I devour you whole

What is wrong with me? I told you earlier that I was no longer going to eat the pork products, due to an insanely cute pig picture sent to me in a Humane Society email (see The Pig that Broke the Camel's Back). But the minute someone set down a pizza covered in pigs I stuffed it into my mouth like some sort of ravenous Clan of the Cave Bear Neanderthal. I think in between bites I managed to grunt out, "Mmm, pig good! Me no have scruples!" And yes, I imagine that cave men spoke like Native Americans in a 1950's Western. So, let's try this again. I am no longer going to chew upon the soft pink pigs that taste so delicious. Unless you buy me a pizza.

My What Pretty Eyes You Have

My What Pretty Eyes You Have

My eyes change color
So you have chromataphores?
Um, they change color

This is written for all the douchebags that say, "Oh yes, my eyes change color." No, no they don't. It is physically impossible for your eyes to change color. They may appear to change color, as mine do when I wear green or grey or blue, but you do not possess chromataphores—the pigment cells that make metachrosis possible. That's right, I am dropping the polysyllabic scientific bombs up in here. You better recognize.

Scorpion

Scorpion

Foulest, black vile thing
Part spider, crab; but mostly
Mind's horror conjured

Honestly, I pride myself in not having wonko phobias, but if you were to put a scorpion anywhere near me, I would promptly throw up and then run away screaming. Or maybe scream and then throw up, and then run away. What is it about them that makes them so horrifying? They are part spider, part crab, with a little bit of lobster thrown in. And they are grotesque! Pincers! Bite-y mandibles! A big fat stinger that can cause stinging sensations and maybe death! And they always seem to want to hide in your shoes. Ooh, I just thought of another creature that is pretty horrifying, but they are under water, so not so much of a threat. Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow.

Mud Wrestling

Mud Wrestling

If only the mud

was some chocolate soft serve

I'd wear a two piece

This is not true. I think the soft serve would be awfully cold and uncomfortable, but it would taste really awesome, so instead of wrestling in it I think I'll get a cone full of it and eat it at my earliest convenience.

The Visitor Worm

The Visitor Worm

Death worm from the sky

tiny green caterpillar

I'll call you Fred

The other day I was reading outside when a tiny bright green caterpillar fell on my hand. I couldn't remember what he was called, so I called him Fred. I let him inch along a bit, then I put him on some greenery so he could have some dinner. Someday Fred will become a beautiful butterfly, and he will flutter on the wind, across the highway, and into the grill of a semi truck. Fred better watch his ass.

Sandra, the Good Democrat

Sandra, the Good Democrat

I wouldn't vote for

a Republican if his

name was JFK

My mother said this to my grandfather's rabid Republican caretaker. She also said, "I was born a Democrat into a Democrat family," and also, "I think everyone deserves the right to be happy," after the caretaker said she didn't believe in gay marriage. I would have paid good money to see this exchange.

Haunted

Haunted

Haunted house haunts me
The children so ovoid, scared
Witch hat eludes all

When I was little I had a Weeble Wobble Haunted House. It had two very frightened weeble children, a weeble ghost that glowed in the dark, and a weeble witch with a removable hat. It even had a handle, so you could be a child on the go with your haunted house. For some reason as of late, I have become a bit obsessed with purchasing one of these childhood treasures. I am watching them on eBay. I probably won't buy one, because I don't know how that whole bidding thing works, and there is most likely some fat guy in Iowa that wants one just because. And he'll know how to bid. And he'll stay up all night to do it. Stupid fat guy in Iowa.

Scatman Crothers

Scatman Crothers

He said toast like "toass"
Bowed legs walked him through horror
Where he met an ax

Oh Scatman Crothers, I do adore you. I’m so sad Jack killed you. And you went to all that trouble getting a snowcat to get up the mountain to save Wendy and Doc. It’s okay, you’re in a better place now. You can have all the toass you want.

Ridin' Dirty

Ridin' Dirty

Granny's bicycle morphed
G bumpin' The Humpty Dance
Kickers in basket

What can top this? Nothing I tell you. I was coming out of Walgreen's and I heard "The Humpty Dance" seemingly coming from all directions. I looked around to see what Cadillac Escalade was playing the song, and I saw this dude on a motorized three-wheel granny bicycle, rolling across the street blasting music from the huge speakers wedged in his granny bicycle basket. I was wholly mesmerized. He had his arm propped over the handlebars like they were the steering wheel of the coolest low-rider ever. He drove on into the strip mall lot and then parked on the sidewalk, got off his ride and went into Dotty's Bar. I am still transfixed by the memory. Thank you Jesus for letting me see this amazing thing.

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter Q: Part Deux

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter Q: Part Deux

Quincunx, quean, quatch, quarred
Quackle, quince, querken, quasi
Querimonious

Are the Q's starting to look weird? They are to me. My brain doesn't know what to do with them any more. I should stop.

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter Q

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter Q

Quisling, quorum, quat
Quibble, quarrel, quab, quadroon
Quark, quotidian

In junior high we would take turns picking out a word to learn and have on our spelling test every week. Mike what's-his-face picked the word quadroon, and I have remembered it ever since. In the seventh grade Mike was big and spongey and fat, and my nick name for him was "Baby Huey". When he came back in the 8th grade he was all skinny and buff and muscled. From then on my nick name for him was "Steer Legs," because he had this enormous upper body and teeny little legs. I can only imagine what people called me.

Movie Madness

Movie Madness

Am I in your way?

I can't see through you, I said

He lumbered off, mad

Again, I opened my mouth and out came something that was better left unsaid. I went to the movies last night and 20 minutes in, a really tall guy came in and sat in front of me. I said, "Hmm." My friend said, "If you move one over can you see?" I said, "Well then I am not sure the kids behind me can see." That's when my new best friend turned around and asked his question. He actually asked this of my friend, and my friend just smiled broadly and waited, because he knew I would answer. I really didn't mean it to come out in such a harsh way, I just meant that he was really tall I couldn't see over him. What he heard was, "Hey pal, you came in 20 minutes late and you're 9 feet tall and I am only 5' 3" on a good day, so why don't you move your big-ass head and your big-ass body to another seat so I can see the movie that I paid good money to see. Oh and next time try to be here when the movie starts dumb ass." Okay, that's what I meant, but sheesh, some people are so sensitive.

Tiny Hands Equal Enormous Wrath

Tiny Hands Equal Enormous Wrath

Next door neighbors are

extremely close to feeling

my small-handed wrath

Here's what I'd like to do: knock on their door and when it opens up, I'd slap the woman across the face and leave a hamster hand print on her cheek. Then the guy would come running to her rescue and I would kick him in the knee. Then I'd yell, "What the hell are you guys doing to make so much God damn noise?!! Can't you two ever just shut up and sit down and not move!?" But then again that is always my little fantasy, that all people everywhere would just sit down, just up and not move. And that I slap them and kick their knees. The neighbor jerk faces deserve this wrath though, they are continually making clunking noises, chair dragging sounds, and earlier this morning they were playing classical music with a French horn solo. A French horn people! At least have the decency to play some opera. Savages.

And Then There Were Two

And Then There Were Two

Two-thirds Beastie Boys
remain on the planet. Last,
Intergalactic

This is a sign. Life as we know it is hurtling towards a fiery end when a member of the Beastie Boys dies of cancer. RIP MCA.

A Fine Line Between Nice and Spice

A Fine Line Between Nice and Spice

Just shy of shanking
calling his plain shirt spicy
I own this cell block

Oh dear, why am I such a doof? I was trying to be nice to a manager by complimenting his shirt. It was kind of a pumpkin color, and what came out of my mouth was this, "Oh I like your shirt, it's kind of spicy." Yes, I said that to a manager. He just looked at me. So then I tried to qualify what I said by saying, "I mean, you know, like a spice, like cinnamon." He just looked at me again and said, "Okay." So now I believe this manager is scared to death of me, and probably equates my spicy comment with asserting my dominance in the yard by flashing a shiv. I am just going to stop trying to be nice, and tuck my sharpened toothbrush into my pant leg for use at a later date.

The Pig that Broke the Camel's Back

The Pig that Broke the Camel's Back

Crisis of conscience
I cannot eat one more pig
goodbye crisp bacon

Today I got a newsletter from the Humane Society of the United States and it had a picture of the cutest pig I have ever seen. Now how can I eat any more pigs? *sigh* I wish I would have gotten way more bacon in my face before this.

To Sleep, Perchance to Actually Sleep

To Sleep, Perchance to Actually Sleep

It's sad when you dream
of restful sleep during day
eyes propped with matchsticks

When the first 40 minutes of your day is spent talking yourself through pulling on pants, something is amiss. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to bed.