A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter D

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter D

Douche, despot, dipwad

Dabble, dactyl, decrepit

Dessicate, dendrite

A mix of "D" words on a Saturday. So many more to list.

Holmes Versus Cruise

Holmes Versus Cruise

No more couch jumping

L. Ron loses another

Back to Dawson's Creek

Apparently Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise. Surprised? Me too, that it took this long. We'll see who falls under old Tommy boy's spell next.

Starch Meadow

Starch Meadow

Waffles and pancakes

Frolic in the starch meadow

I hide with syrup

Pancakes are one of my favorite things in the entire world. Groupon sent me a coupon today with a picture of pancakes on it and now I can think of nothing else. I imagine that in a wondrous place far away, there is a starchy meadow where waffles and pancakes frolic, lapping from gentle butter rivers with drizzle falls, rolling in powdered sugar sands around the sparkling butter waves. I hide with my small pot of syrup behind a tree, and when one is close enough I spring out, pour a strip of syrup on one of the delicious creatures and then take a bite of golden savory happiness. The pancakes and waffles don't mind, they like bringing me joy, and they regenerate quickly so they never fall apart. I pat them a bit and through a mouthful of pancake or waffle goodness I say, "Thank you fried batter friend," and then they amble away to frolic some more. Mmmm, I love Starch Meadow.

Forget Me Not

Forget Me Not

Axons atrophied

Delicious candy missing

Two dollars down drain

Yesterday I told you I went to the Dollar Store specifically to buy Chewy Tropical Lemonheads. Well I bought them, and then promptly forgot where I put them. I have looked everywhere and I have absolutely no clue what I did with them, no memory of where I stashed them. The other day I forgot where the carpool was parked. That same day I walked out the front grocery store door when I was parked out back. I think this means that I need far more sugar and fried chicken in my life. Sugar and fat will grease up the atrophying axons and dendrites and speed information to the parts of my brain that can actually process it. And then I will know where my delicious candy is.

Hoarder

Hoarder

Shampoo, canned crab meat

Conditioner, tooth paste, soup

Toilet paper, plants

Tonight after work I went to the dollar store to buy these dumb Tropical Chewy Lemonhead candies that I adore, but while I was there I bought more shampoo. And more conditioner. I do not need these things; I have like five of each all ready. I know in my heart I am a hoarder, but I like to think of it more as super preparation for the appearance of Skynet. When the computers become self aware and the humans have a tough time getting anything, I will have a corner on the black market. I will provide strong teeth, clean and soft hair, and crustacean meat for protein. And I will throw in a plant to decorate your shanty. What will I ask for in return? Probably your first born to build a Victorian Nouveau pick-pocket army to steal baubles and shiny trinkets for me, endless foot massages, and a weekly re-enactment of John Carpenter's The Thing from 1982. We will flip a coin to see who gets to play Wilford Brimley.

All Hail the King

All Hail the King

Bacon is the king

Ham is merely the jester

Me: No court invite

Today a friend at work was disappointed because he had accidentally gotten a ham Hot Pocket rather than bacon. I asked, "Why, don't you like ham?" He said, "No." I said, "All men like ham." He said, "Bacon is the king to ham's jester." It has been about five weeks since pork products have crossed these lips. I would like to say that I miss the pork, but I don't. It's the idea of pork that I miss. The idea of crispy salty bacon. Sausage. Ribs. Big fat ham steaks. Okay, maybe I do miss the pork, but there's no reason to start consuming it again. I still have all the other meats to eat... so far. I figure eventually I'll drift into being one of those damn dirty vegetarians, sitting in a corner eating vast quantities of tortilla chips and rocking back and forth. Thinking of bacon.

One More Reason to Get a Bike

One More Reason to Get a Bike

Pink tiger stalks me

Fat man rides him, steers my way

I stare in wonder

Today in my neighborhood I saw a dude riding a bicycle that had been outfitted with pink tiger accoutrements. The bike had a pink and black furry tail, chest piece and ears. Why? Why is this happening? I am never surprised by what I see in Portland anymore, but I am often left wondering why. Why did this chubby guy think he needed a tiger bike? Who sells tiger bike accessories? Why would anyone think a tiger bike would be okay for anyone other than a 4-year-girl? I should stop complaining though, because the wack-a-doo things I see keep my haikus going. And a fat guy on a furry pink and black bike was pretty awesome.

Pie World

Pie World

In the world of pies

sometimes the crust just falls off

that's the way it goes

Today I went to a friend's house and she taught me how to make apple pie, blueberry cobbler and raspberry freezer jam. I am now officially stoked that I can make some sort of dessert to lure a man. Yes, that's what it all boils down to, luring an unsuspecting man with fruit and sugar. Honestly, how can anyone resist me if I am holding a homemade pie in my hands? That's right, they can't. I am bringing a pie everywhere. I suppose I might become known as "Pie Pie Von Pie-er-son" or "Lady Crustalot" but I don't care. I can bake yo.

Nine Out of Ten Ain't Bad

Nine Out of Ten Ain't Bad

Tip of the first gone

The rest of the nine fingers

Perfect manicure

I saw a woman at the gym that had the tip of her first finger missing; the rest of her nine fingers had fingernails that were perfectly manicured. I wanted to ask her where she got them done, but I know it would it have degenerated into "How did you lose the tip of your finger? Were you feeding the piranhas at the Safari Club on Tuesday night?" Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.

Another GD Day in Paradise

Another GD Day in Paradise

Put the cannon here

Let me climb in, light the match

My peat bog awaits

Well ladies and gentlemen, another GD day in paradise. For the second night in a row, over an hour and a half to get home. I spun my wheels at work, feeling like I got very little accomplished. I have a boy troubles on the brain, and what's worse is I might be making them up. It is days like these that I wish to be shot out of a cannon and into space, or better yet, into a lovely peat bog where I would sink to the soft peaty bottom to remain undiscovered for the next 5,000 years. When finally found by scientists, they would marvel at my bony hands and little head, remarking that the shark tattoo must be a clan symbol. Then I would be put on display at the museum; the exhibition would be called "The Bog Lady", and I would be sent on tour much like King Tut and scads of people would pay big money to see me. But in the 5,000 years before I am discovered, I would have such a luxurious rest it would all be worth it.

Drama in the LBC

Drama in the LBC

Snoop Dogg radio
is sometimes far more needed
than Frank Sinatra

While trying to figure out something to listen to at work, I had the keenest of ideas, why don't I create a Snoop Dogg station on Pandora? I now know all about rollin' down the street, smokin' endo and sippin' on gin and juice. I have heard far more F-bombs in the last hour than I have spat in my entire life. Right now I feel suspiciously like my mind is on my money and my money is on my mind. Can I ever go back to Frank? Yes, when my rap-addled mind is more settled and I need to hear about having the world on a string and sitting on rainbows, that's when I'll listen to old Frankie boy again. But for now, I'm all about the drama in the LBC.

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter G

A List of My Favorite Words Beginning with the Letter G

Goblin, gozer, gimp
gimble, ghost, ghoul, gastly, grim
gibberish, giblet

It's kind of weird that most of these "g" words are on the creepy side. And that's probably why I love them so.

Tête de Boîte de Céréales

Tête de Boîte de Céréales

If I shaved my head
cereal box be revealed
Frankenberry inside

I am positive that my head is shaped like a cereal box; I seem to have corners on my skull, but I have a bunch of hair that covers it all very nicely. I think I would have Frankenberry inside the cereal box, but a friend at work says he think it's filled with Grape Nuts. Lame.

A Daedalean Dissolution

A Daedalean Dissolution

Daedalus divorce

will grant me full custody

of a Minotaur

In Greek mythology, Daedalus was a craftsman that constructed a labyrinth that held the Mintotaur. I figure if I was married to Dae Dae (that's my nickname for him), and then we divorced, I would get the Minotaur in the settlement. I would then name the Minotaur Lawrence and make him get a job in a fast food restaurant. Larry better bring home the bacon.

Haiku Writes Itself

Haiku Writes Itself

It sailed from ceiling

smashed into a hundred shards

Scaring me shiteless

I just remembered that I still had to write a haiku for the day; while I was sitting here at the computer staring blindly into the kitchen trying to think of something to write about, the glass cover for the light in the kitchen just fell and crashed onto the floor. I saw it come undone from the ceiling and sail into the linoleum. Jesus. I didn't need something to write about that badly. All I could think of to do was put my hands up over my ears, then I just sat here for a minute contemplating the possibility of poltergeists. Now I have to get the GD broom and sweep until I think I can walk barefoot. *sigh* Mommy needs a drink.

My Licorice Suit

My Licorice Suit

Form-fitting candy,
red corn syrup ensemble
Eat my pants later

I would like a suit made out of red licorice. I picture myself in my fashionable sweet suit sitting in the doctor's office, in the grocery check out line, playing tennis. It wouldn't have to look like a regular lady suit, I would make it look super cool, like something a Japanime character might don to fight street crime. Or I could have it look like Gary Oldman's armor in Dracula, the ultimate licorice suit for warring in medieval times. I would have to be wary of of temperature fluctuations—too hot and my suit would become sticky, too cold and my suit would no longer be pliable. The best thing about wearing a licorice suit is eating it at the end of the day—in one mad frenzy of licorice love, you get to chew on a lapel and eat your pants. The worst thing about a licorice suit is the creeps that want to lick you. But maybe they would want to lick you anyway, with or without the candy suit.

Ray Liotta

Ray Liotta

Hate you Ray, love you
Gimlet eyes pierce, caress
Love you Ray, hate you

I have a love/hate relationship with Ray Liotta. Well, I don't have a relationship with him at all, but you know what I mean. I don't know what it is about him that makes him alternately super awesome and fiercely grotesque. He can sometimes look like a giant elf sans the hat, and sometimes he can look like someone that I wouldn't mind being on a date with. He's in one of my all-time favorite movies, Corina Corina, where he falls in love with his housekeeper played by Whoopi Goldberg. If I met Ray in real life I'm not sure what I'd do; I guess it would depend on the day and what aura he was projecting. It would be sad if I met Ray on a day when he was looking fiercely grotesque—he would be so puzzled when I walked up and just popped him in one of those gimlet eyes. Sorry Ray.

Ich Heisse Heinrich

Ich Heisse Heinrich

Haikunicorndog

Mythical joy trifecta

What will draw you near?

I imagine there is a beautiful, magical unicorn that lives deep within a Gothic forest. It speaks in haikus that are always syllabically perfect and wondrous to the ears. It carries on its back a satchel filled with both pork and turkey corn dogs, and when the majestic beast gives out a corn dog, the bag always replaces it, so the bag is never empty. Only the luckiest humans ever get a corn dog from this unicorn. I wonder what would draw the Haikunicorndog near? I mean, if it has a never-ending bag of corn dogs, what else could it possibly want? In this scenario, I picture myself as a fat little German boy with curly red hair wearing some sort of baby blue lederhosen that has spied this beautiful creature. I travel into the forest everyday to see it, to watch its grace, to hope for its lilting words to echo in my brain. I bring carrots, I bring comic books, I bring my cat's eye marbles as offerings. All I want is a corn dog. My name is Heinrich, and all I want is a corn dog.

Seen Downtown

Seen Downtown

Plaid girl with a sword

Sea captain in need of ship

Eagle holding plate

When I come home I usually drive through downtown rather than catch I-5 which is always at a standstill. Tonight I saw a rather pretty girl in an awesome plaid shirt, skinny jeans and gilded flats, carrying a sword. That's right, a sword. So I thought, hmm, yes, this is my cue to pay attention, because something else is sure to pop up. A minute or two later I saw the sea captain, wearing his khakis, a dark blue sweater and his captain's hat; under the hat silky white hair sprouted that matched his gloriously white beard. A perfect Ahab in the middle of the city. Then I saw the eagle holding the plate—a fabulously patriotic silver eagle encircling someone's license plate. An eagle forever swooping, forever diving off the back of a crappy car. Yes, this city is good.

Figs!

Figs!

If withholding figs

Prepare for vicious beating

Pink dolphins be damned

Figs are coming people! They are almost here, my favorite fruit on the face of the planet. If I thought you were withholding said delicious fruit from me, and would not share even one, I would punch you in the xiphoid process until you had to go to the emergency room, then I would take the figs for myself. I don't care if you are only five years old, or eighty-three, give me the figs unless you want me to whip you with a Hot Wheels track. If you are a pink dolphin or some endangered monkey species, I do not care, I will hit you with quarters inside a sock until you give me the figs. If you have some sort of disease where you can only digest figs, you better pay the piper the best ten so I'll leave you alone. What is the moral of this story? That's right. Give. Me. The. Figs.

Things I Thank the Universe For

Things I Thank the Universe For

Opera, Poptarts,

libraries, hammerhead sharks,

Three Stooges, puppets

Just a random list of things that I often thank the universe for. You can't fit much into one list, so there might be another one tomorrow. If nothing weird happens to me tonight.

Amityville Bedroom

Amityville Bedroom

Jack-o-lantern eyes

spy me Amityville style

What comes next? The flies?

I am reticent to divulge just how janky my bedroom set up is, but it makes for a fine story. I have very, very dark curtains on my bedroom window, because the slightest bit of light will wake me up. These curtains don't fit, so on one end there is a dark towel tacked up to cover the last bit of window. Janky #1. These curtains are not on a rod of any sort, they are just tacked up above the window. Janky #2. Since they are not on a rod, there is no way to pull them open, so I use one of those little bungee cords to gather them together in the middle and let in some light during the day. Janky #3. It is when I do this that my window becomes an evil Amityville Horror face that scares me. When I come in at night and it's still light out, the triangular bits of window that are illuminated look like a giant jack-o-lantern face that is there to kill me. Where I sleep. I truly, truly have to get this fixed. Or become an adult, whichever comes first.

In the Middle of it All

In the Middle of it All

Taurus drumming man,

invisible drum sticks flail

thank you for the smile

The drive home tonight took an hour and a half; I was so not in the mood to be on the road that long. I was behind a dude in a Taurus, and I have never seen a man air drum so furiously, with such vigor, with such panache. Thank you air-drumming Taurus man. You made me smile in the middle of super crap traffic.

The Tiny Pig Universe

The Tiny Pig Universe

Stanley, Hammykins

in alternate universe

Yum-Yum is there too

In an alternate universe I am crazy rich, and possibly just crazy. Instead of tiny dogs as accessories, I have tiny pigs: Stanley, Hammykins, and Yum-Yum. I also have a golden tamarin named Little Lord Fauntleroy that eats the raisins out of my Raisin Bran so I can have just Bran. I dress him in a blue velvet blazer and bow tie. I have a suitcase full of scorpions at the ready for those that displease me. The suitcase comes with a set of tongs so I may whip the scorpions at offenders with ease. I still have hamster hands and Medusa hair, but my feet actually work in high heels, and I have teeth that are so pretty that Regis Philbin weeps at the sight of them. I have hired a small man in pajamas to bring me my gin and tonics; I pay him in comic books and oranges. What? I can do what I want, this is my universe.

It's as Plain as the Nose on Your Face

It's as Plain as the Nose on Your Face

My favorite nose

is on the face of Tom Cruise

and bald Bruce Willis

Now I am not saying that I like Tom Cruise, his cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago, but he is pretty. But I will cop to liking Bruce Willis and his little smirk, but more importantly I like both of their noses. They are a bit beaky, or if you are feeling more flowery, aquiline. I enjoy the bird-y noses, they make me happy. Caw!

So Totally Not Hoth

 So Totally Not Hoth

He did not know Hoth

Was he raised in a wall safe?

I spun the dial

I recently went out on a date with a guy that didn't know what Hoth was. How do you grow up in America and not know Hoth? If you are reading this right now and you've had to Google Hoth, you need to move to an ice floe and wait for death. Or move to Hoth and wait for death. Not knowing that Hoth is the sixth planet in the star system of the same name that's home to Tauntaun and Wampa is not the sole reason that dude did not make the cut; this guy also told me that the soda I was drinking was way too sugary, that not owning a bike was un-Portlandian, and that he stopped being a stand-up comedian because people were doing drugs in the kitchen at the nightclub where he was performing. Um, hello, people do drugs in kitchens everywhere. Most especially on Hoth.

The Super Hot Guy at Subway that Made My Sandwich and Asked How Old I Was

The Super Hot Guy at Subway that Made My Sandwich and Asked How Old I Was

Distracting full lips

said sorry, but I must know

I mouthed the number

Normally when anyone asks my age I punch them in the side of the head, but the lawsuits were beginning to stack up so occasionally I give in and reveal it. This time a barely-legal dude hottie asked me after he lovingly crafted a turkey sandwich for me. I silently mouthed the number and without skipping a beat he said, "You hold it extremely well." I never know how to feel about these situations. So I look good... for my age? That little silent addendum is always there isn't it? That being said, had there been a moment when I thought I might be able to make out with the sandwich hottie without being rushed to jail on some sort of statutory infraction I would have, right there at the cash register while holding my turkey sandwich. It would have been a win-win situation right? I get a turkey sandwich, and he gets to kiss a beautiful woman before she wears grown-people diapers as part of her everyday outfit. Win. Win.

Animatronic Alien Love

Animatronic Alien Love

Hybrid-Ripley thing

Equal parts love and horror

I wince when you die

In the movie Alien: Resurrection, they clone Ripley's DNA to bring her back to life over and over again in an effort to extract the alien from her. They finally succeed in taking an alien from Ripley number 8, a queen that later gives birth to an alien-Ripley hybrid. This monster has the most haunting eyes, and a little elf nose that moves when it's sniffing. I love this alien thing, I wish I could take it out for an ice cream. When Ripley breaks the portal and the hybrid is about to be sucked out of the ship, it looks at Ripley with a "Why mummy? Why?" look that kills me. Then I watch the hybrid die and I feel all hollow inside and in need of long cry. Why do animatronic aliens hold such power over me? I guess it must be a chick thing.

Vitreous Humourless

Vitreous Humourless

Frond floats in my eye

A specter in the corner

It darts like a lure

Have you ever had a "floater" in your eye? They are disturbing at best. Something has detached inside your eyeball and is casting a shadow on your retina. You can never see them straight on because they move with your eye, and they can look like a cobweb or a spot. Mine looks like a fishing lure. Basically it means you're getting old. Or that you can suddenly see ghosts, but only in the corner of your eye. I choose to believe that I can now see spirits because I don't want to be old. I am too cute to be old. *sigh* God damn it, I am old.

My Epiphanies

My Epiphanies

Sonic ade near by
Abe Vigoda is alive
The word frabjous kills

These are the kinds of epiphanies that I have everyday. I just realized that there is a Sonic Burger less than a mile from where I work. What the hell? I could have been having cherry limeades everyday. But maybe this is good I just found out, because while I drink diet everything else, cherry limeades are sacred and must be had at full caloric value. At the end of a year I would have weighed 600 lbs and would have to be cut out of my apartment just so I could get weighed in at the local equestrian center. As for Abe Vigoda, I think I have this epiphany about every three months. I love Abe. I will write a long and lugubrious ode when Fish leaves this planet. And finally the word frabjous. It is simply frabjous. Coined by Lewis Carroll in his poem Jabberwocky, when I say it I feel all silly and much like I could be a poorly drawn cartoon squirrel with big shining eyes. But I also feel like it would have been one of Buffalo Bill's favorite words, killer from the Silence of the Lambs. "Do you like the word frabjous? I like the word frabjous." Heh heh. Eww.