Hoarder
Shampoo, canned crab meat
Conditioner, tooth paste, soup
Toilet paper, plants
Tonight after work I went to the dollar store to buy these dumb Tropical Chewy Lemonhead candies that I adore, but while I was there I bought more shampoo. And more conditioner. I do not need these things; I have like five of each all ready. I know in my heart I am a hoarder, but I like to think of it more as super preparation for the appearance of Skynet. When the computers become self aware and the humans have a tough time getting anything, I will have a corner on the black market. I will provide strong teeth, clean and soft hair, and crustacean meat for protein. And I will throw in a plant to decorate your shanty. What will I ask for in return? Probably your first born to build a Victorian Nouveau pick-pocket army to steal baubles and shiny trinkets for me, endless foot massages, and a weekly re-enactment of John Carpenter's The Thing from 1982. We will flip a coin to see who gets to play Wilford Brimley.
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